I, an Alpha Female, Deserve an Alpha Male Willing to Regurgitate Food for Me

A statement on masculinity.

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Hi, alpha gal here.

So this wannabe alpha named Nick Adams shows up in my timeline when I’m trying to drool over photos of male wolves standing over moose carcasses. Like recently, he said real men love drinking beer at Hooters.

WRONG.

That’s not what sexy alpha females like me want.

This is:

I deserve a man with razor-sharp fangs.

Real alpha males don’t eat at restaurants, lol.

I deserve a man who stalks wild elk through the snows of the northern realm. The sexiest guys don’t even use knives. They chase their prey down and corner it by the river. They smell its fear. They ravage it with their claws.

Everyone knows real men don’t have fingernails.

Gimme a break.

After they’ve gorged themselves on the hot blood and quivering raw flesh of their kill, they regurgitate a little for me.

That shows you…

He cares.

I want a man who works out all the time.

Hercules didn’t need a gym, lol.

You know how he got so strong? He deadlifted a cow all day, every day. He built dams and wrestled with bears. I expect my man to do the same. I want him to come home smelling like a campfire.

No excuses!

I deserve a man who treats me like prey.

Real alpha males don’t ask women on dates, lol.

I deserve a man who hunts me the way he hunts a doe. When I go out for coffee, I want to feel a vague sense of fear and impending doom. When I sit down with my skinny latte, I want to feel like I’m being watched by some powerful beast waiting to pounce on me and tear off all my clothes.

When we have sex, I want to feel inches away from death.

I want to feel like I’m being eaten alive.

No, I don’t want to cuddle after. When he finishes, I want my man to immediately go crouch in a dark corner.

That’s how you know…

It was good.

I deserve a man with a fortune.

Real men don’t have jobs, lol.

They have riches.

A real alpha doesn’t even need money. He goes out and takes whatever he wants. He keeps a giant pile of gold in the middle of a cave. He doesn’t spend any. He just thinks it looks nice. He lets me sleep on top of it, like an ornament.

He guards us both, his pricless possessions.

That’s the kind of man I want.

I don’t want a man who dodges taxes. I want a man who the IRS is afraid to ask for money. I want the government to pay him.

Now, that’s power.

I deserve a man who understands committment.

You know what real alpha males do?

Look at wolves.

When alpha males want to be exclusive, they don’t propose with some dumb wedding ring, lol. He just walks up and puts his penis inside the alpha female. Her vagina clamps down on it so he can’t shake loose, then she walks him through the pack to see if any other wolves challenge him.

That’s what I want.

I want a man to just stick his penis inside me in front of all his friends. Then I want to parade him through the bar, seeking challengers.

And I do want challengers…

I want at least 12 of his friends to wage war over me. I want him to kill them all. I want him to tear their throats out. I want to see bones poking through skin. I want “The Ancient Battle/2nd Kroykah” playing in the background. I want to feel the blood of weaker wannabe suiters dripping down my back.

I want to bathe in the entrails of betas.

I want them served for dinner.

Now, that’s love.